


Remember How I Broke Your Heart?

by cruelladevilline



Series: I need you like no other, no I'll never find another [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, Kinda, M/M, Mentioned Substance Abuse, My Poor Boys, Phone Calls & Telephones, Regrets, Reunited i guess?, So is Remus, inspired by a song, letting go, mentioned prison, mentions of abuse, sirius is trying his best, they still rlly love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-15 03:37:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18065870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruelladevilline/pseuds/cruelladevilline
Summary: “Hi.”Remus' voice cracked at the end, it was too high and honestly, he couldn't even tell he was the one who said it. The line went silent for a long time after that, long enough that Remus began to wonder if he even heard him. But Sirius didn't hang up and the line sat with the sound of static and rain and breathing.“Remus?” Sirius finally asked,It was rushed and breathless, desperation coating his voice.





	Remember How I Broke Your Heart?

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was inspired by the song Priscilla Ahn wrote !!! 
> 
> link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtNfY7bHoiM

It was freezing, a cold winter day in the middle of January, a Monday to be exact. A storm was overcast, turning everything into a depressing gray hue. The sky was littered in clouds and the beginnings of rain had just started to fall. Remus normally loved this weather, reminding him of cozy days spent back in England. As the rain began to pour down harder, Remus almost thought he could see the crackling of the fire, his best mates laughter filling up their small dorm, or the pleasant warmth of hot tea he would drink often. Wisps of earl gray or cinnamon wafting through the common room. 

After all, thinking back on these memories were far more pleasant then his reality right now. Standing in a parking lot of a crappy motel in Ohio, with trembling fingers and a payphone that was almost too old to use. The awning Remus was standing under was almost completely eroded, doing little to cover the onslaught of rain that was coming down now. It made a comforting and rhythmic sound though, as it pelted to the asphalt below. So he supposed he could withstand the water soaking through his jacket, for now, the payphone would stay dry and that's all he needed. 

With the present task still nagging away in Remus' mind, he reached up to the old keypad dialing numbers with practiced ease, the phone number still a secured memory even after all this time. It made his mind blank, autopilot taking over. An ache started to turn in his heart, sharp stabs up and down his chest. It was reminiscent of when he was young and stupid and  _blind._ A memory of him surfaced through the fog, and anxiety started to crawl its way to Remus' mind. He could feel his hands start to shake, and his breath wouldn't come. Ring – Ring – Ring, the phone continued and with each one Remus' carefully considered his second option: running. Again. 

As the seconds ticked by, the second option was starting to sound more appealing to Remus. The haze cleared though, replaced by blind panic as the line connected.

“Hello?”

His voice was worn, and tired, deeper now then Remus remembered but still undoubtedly him. Remus had never wanted to take something back so much, to slam the phone into the receiver. Walk away, forget this ever happened, never speak to him again or hear his voice or even have to think of him. 

But he didn't.

Because his breath still caught in his lungs the same way it always did when he spoke, and anxiety lay forgotten; washed away with the rain because  _God it was Sirius._ He couldn't see him of course, but that didn't stop the image from appearing to Remus. All sharp angles and sinfully rebellious streaks of long hair and tattoos and habits that died too hard. Habits that ended things. 

“Hi.”

Remus' voice cracked at the end, it was too high and honestly, he couldn't even tell he was the one who said it. The line went silent for a long time after that, long enough that Remus began to wonder if he even heard him. But Sirius didn't hang up and the line sat with the sound of static and rain and breathing.

“Remus?” Sirius finally asked, rushed and breathless, voice just finding him. 

Remus made a hum, something between a choked-out word of yes. His hands were shaking more now. He expected to hurt and ache after hearing him, feel like crying or choking or screaming.

But he didn't.

It was like pins and needles as if he couldn't wake his body up. Something reminiscent of panic, like the aftermath of it. The anxiety and fear were washed away and all that was left was their ghost, painting Remus the perfect picture of a husk. A backwash of emotions he couldn't explain or feel. He felt himself spiraling downward too fast and far but couldn't find it in himself to be alarmed, only the passing thought of  _not okay._

“Yeah, it's me.” Remus heard himself say. 

It wasn't wheezed out like his first words, and he finally seemed to find his footing even though he wasn't falling.“I heard from James you got out last month?” 

“Yeah, yeah... I got out early on parole.” 

Remus pushed himself farther against the wall, trying to get further under the awning, the water had started to completely soak through his jacket and shivers were racking through his body. Despite starting to shiver Remus didn't feel the cold, because the shadow touches of pins and needles up his body were hot and they burned. His body felt like fire up to his head, burning and swaying.

 “That's good, I'm glad. Ten is a lot.. especially for what you were charged for.” Remus's throat burned saying it. 

“I'm clean now!” Sirius shouted through the phone. It made static crack through the line and Remus wanted to cringe away from it. Sirius sounded desperate, and he hated how it sounded. It almost made him annoyed and he wanted to laugh because he wishes that was all he felt when it came to Sirius. 

“I.. got sober. While I was there, and everything.” 

Remus didn't laugh though, and neither did Sirius because neither of them could do that now. He didn't speak after that, and silence filled the line again. Breathing and rain and static. Remus wanted to say something, to apologize maybe; but Sirius said it instead.

 

“I know that's why - why you left. I don't blame you, I was messed up back then but I don't blame you. I'm sorry, I know I said it before but I mean it this time.”

 

Rain.

 

“It's not like we were great back then anyways, I mean the fighting and the way I treated you Rem-”

 

Static.

 

“When I did that to you; I wasn't thinking. It wasn't me. I wasn't, I couldn't have done that if I wasn't-”

 

Breathing.

 

“I'm better now.” Sirius finished with. 

It started to ease, and Remus couldn't feel the heat anymore, the cold finally seeping in with Sirius' words. He shivered more, and he couldn't stop the clattering of his teeth. He wasn't sure how to respond; he didn't want to have to think about that night or that time or when Sirius was so – like  _that._ The words 'you left' and 'blame' circulated in Remus' head and he wasn't sure if it was the rain making his chest feel so iced over now. It felt like twisting in his gut, something cold opening him from the inside. He almost wished he could feel the burning of pins and needles and shame. 

'I'm sorry' hung heavy over the line, but Remus knew he couldn't bring himself to say it, he didn't mean it. He couldn't think it. He didn't want to remember. 

Instead; “I'm really glad, Sirius, you sound better.” 

He could hear his voice blank, it hurt to speak and he could feel the cold climb up his throat. Remus coughed trying to clear away the sick he felt. “You're staying with James and Lily, right? They picked you up?” 

Sirius hummed an agreement, “I got here a few weeks ago, getting everything settled in again, you know? I didn't – I'm surprised you called.” 

“Well, I did.” 

“Yeah, you did..” Sirius trailed off again, “James said you got married?”

Remus fell silent again. He knew that the subject would eventually be breached, wasn't surprised by the question. Yet he still felt the guilt and shame, and bile rising. He wasn't embarrassed by his wife, but he was embarrassed with himself. He hated it. Hated this. This wasn't something he wanted to talk about with Sirius of all people. 

“Yes.” He coughed again because his throat kept freezing. “After you got – you got your sentence. Dora and I, we started dating. Married last year.” 

He heard a choked sound over the line, and the horrible feeling of mortification and fear crawled up his throat again, spewing out everything he didn't want Sirius to know. 

 “A son,” Remus said, and he could hear the guilt in his voice. “We have a son, his name is Teddy.” 

Rain and static and breathing.

“It's a good name, Teddy.” 

Remus hummed again because he wasn't sure he trusted his mouth anymore. He couldn't stop shivering, or maybe he was shaking now, Remus couldn't tell. He leaned further into the wall, pushing into the shutters of the motel, hard enough to leave bruises. It grounded him, and he stayed there listening to Sirius steady his breathing for a while. Choked hms and whimpers coming through the line. It was a while before he finally asked,

“You're not living in England anymore, right? When do you think you're coming back to visit?” It was quiet when he said it.

You could hear it now, the change. The pleading and the begging desperation was gone. It was just tired, and Remus really thought Sirius was. Because Remus was tired. Of talking, and the rain and the cold, and he didn't want to be here anymore. 

Still, Remus struggled to hear him over the static of the payphone, and struggled with his reply, “Mm, I'm not. Don't know.”

The sound of rain and static and breathing returned and Remus couldn't take any more of it, he was going to crack. The ice was too cold and it would crack open from the pressure. Just like a frozen lake Remus would break, he wanted this to end. He was tired, so tired of the rain and the cold and even of Sirius. 

But more then that, of the cold or the pressure, he wanted to see him. To see his face, and touch his hands, feel his skin. Hear his voice clearly, without the static or rain. Run fingers through dark curls, have quiet nights back, filled with domestically sick affection. He wanted a memory and a daydream and a nightmare. It was consuming and painful and lovely and Remus  _hated_ it. But Remus hated himself more for loving Sirius. The more he thought of it the more he could see the crack, and the ice shifted and turned, and Remus wanted to scream. Scream so loud and hard and long that he couldn't speak anymore. He couldn't feel anything but the raw pain in his throat.

Sirius was talking but he couldn't hear him and his voice was so tired. But it was understanding and Remus hated that even more. The crack split further, and he could feel it breaking something inside of him further and further. 

“I have to go.” 

 

The ice broke.

 

“Remus!” The desperation was back in Sirius' voice.

It stopped him from slamming the phone back into the receiver and never calling again. Forcing this event down, never thinking back on it. Never visiting, never hearing or seeing him. 

“I'm sorry.” It was a plea, and Sirius' voice was cracking. 

Remus could tell he was crying now, and it made everything hurt so much more. He could never remember hearing Sirius like that. His voice was always loud and clear, flamboyant even. Never this. Remus could still feel the guilt hard in his throat like a rock; because god he  _left him._ The ice was still shattered broken up along his chest and every time he breathed it felt like cuts of ice shifting inside his lungs and heart and chest. 

“I love you.” 

“Goodbye, Sirius.” 

Remus hooked the phone back in, ending the call. Without the accompanying static of the payphone, and Sirius' breathing, the sound of rain was suffocating. But then that stopped, and there was no more rain or static or breathing. It faded out, like when you're underwater, muffled by the pressure. It was quiet and he couldn't think or hear or breath. It was done, and they were done because they always were.

His lungs were screaming and Remus realized he was gasping for breath. He had slid down the wall, knees clutched to his chest. His lungs were burning, but it finally eased the cold. Remus was so sick of feeling cold. The cold was always so much worse. But his lungs were burning, and his face was hot because he could finally feel the warmth of tears on his cheeks.

The burning in his chest subsided, as Remus steadied his breaths and the tears wouldn't come anymore. He was left cold again. In the head and the chest, spreading down through his body. The shakes wouldn't stop and all that was left was the feeling of the stinging cold. Worse then strikes of hot pins and needles, but the stabbing of ice and knives. As if he had jumped into a freezing ocean and his body couldn't process it yet. 

And again it was over, as it always was with them.

**Author's Note:**

> yooo this got rewrote!!! i don't think its any better but yeewooo!  
> also it is a series, im currently re-writing the second part.


End file.
